holy shit. I'm 23
Happy Birthday to Angelo, Happy Birthday to you
End of my early twenties…let’s recap 22:
graduated university
dyed my hair for the first time and cut my man bun
got to meet Product Bud friends in-person for New Year’s SoCal trip
2-month solo trip in Europe visiting 10 countries
Reconnected with a couple of old friends, but also losing other close friends
Move to Seattle and started my first full-time job
Cried at my first job
Met Microsoft intern friends in-person
Started living an active lifestyle playing volleyball and spikeball
Hosted my first birthday party
Yeah, I hosted my FIRST birthday party. You’d think that I’d have hosted a birthday party before. Nah. In the past, I’d just celebrate my birthday separately with all the different friends I had. I would have breakfast with one friend, hiking plans with another, it was just all over the place.
I think I was afraid. Afraid that no one would show up. That maybe having all these friends meant that I had no close friends, even if I know that wasn’t true. Maybe I was afraid that I didn’t know how to show up at my own birthday party. With some friends, I’m quiet and observant while other friends I’ll be more silly. Which personality do I show when everyone is all together, why did I do this? I wanted to be liked, I’m not crazy. Maybe a little. But not that crazy. Don’t we all want to be liked? The realizaion that took years to learn is that I had to do that on my own terms, I have got to like myself.
So hosting my first birthday party, I didn’t care. Actually no, it’s not that I didn’t care. It’s that I felt comfortable enough in my own skin, in my own personality, and felt secure enough who I am that it was okay if my friends saw other sides to me that they didn’t see before because real friends would stay with me even if it didn’t align with previous expectations of what they saw of me before.
I wanted to be liked, I’m not crazy. Maybe a little. But not that crazy. Don’t we all want to be liked? The realization that took me years to learn is that I had to do that on my own terms, I have got to like myself.
I would show up as myself, whatever that was. Whoever show up will show up. If they didn’t, I won’t take it personally. Everyone’s got shit that they are going thru.
But it still lingers in me. At least let me know why you couldn’t go, but it’s okay. They don’t owe me a reason. Or do they? Not sure. Still figuring it out.
That’s the thing I hear about being in your twenties. It’s the decade to figure things out. It’s the years in your life when you will lose and find yourself so many times you’ll lose count. I already did.
22 was a transformative year for me. It had two big shifts:
University → No structure
No structure → Seattle
University → No structure
University a place where you are constantly surrounded by people with the same goals, schedule, lifestyle, location, age group, and more. It’s a time where connecting with people is convinient. You become friends with people because you are the same major or you joined the same club. All that changes when you graduate.
For me, I was privilged enough to be able to have 5 months of nothing before I start my full-time job in May. 5 months of no structure. No more classes I had to attend. No more deadlines I had to get to. This was liberating but also scary. To have this much freedom in my life, I wanted to take advantage of it. The scary thing is that I had to make sure I don’t just fall apart, I needed to set goals and create my own schedule. It wasn’t created for me from my school anymore. This forced me to think about what I want in life. It forced me to reflect and understand what I didn’t like. Think about the people I want to surround myself with. As much as I’d like to think that I have control over that, I can only do so much to the point that it gives me peace. There are people who you thought would be good friends for life, but it doesn’t work out. It’s bittersweet, a mixed feelings of happiness and sadness. Letting go of friendships that aren’t working.
No structure → Seattle
Going from having no structure in life to having a routine again was a scary and overwhelming experience. When you have no routine, each day can feel like a chaotic and unpredictable adventure, and it can be difficult to feel in control of your life. But when you introduce a routine, you are suddenly faced with a set of expectations and obligations that can feel intimidating and confining. But hey, I got a job making big boy money so that’s a plus.
At first, it can be difficult to adjust to the constraints of a routine, and I felt like I was losing my freedom and spontaneity. Also was struggling to stick to my routine, and feel frustrated and discouraged when I fall short of my goals. But as you get used to your routine, you will start to see the benefits of having a structured and predictable daily schedule. When you get the hang of it, you start to sprinkle in some opportunities of spontaneity so you can get a balance of both.
Bittersweet
Turning 23 can be a bittersweet experience, as it marks the end of your early twenties and the beginning of a new phase in your life. On the one hand, you may feel excited and hopeful about the new opportunities and experiences that await you. But on the other hand, you may feel a sense of nostalgia and sadness as you look back on the experiences and memories of your early twenties.
As I celebrate my 23rd birthday, I’ve felt a mix of emotions, including happiness, gratitude, and uncertainty. Feeling proud of the person I have become and the things I have accomplished, but I also feel a sense of fear and anxiety about the future.
Ahhh, as I reflect on the past and look ahead to the future. It can be a bittersweet moment, as you say goodbye to your early twenties and embrace the next chapter in your life. Ew so cheesy. P.s I used AI to finally finish the rest of this newsletter lol